Oh my friends. I wish this could be a real post, the kind I can lay it all on the line, spill my guts. But some things must go unsaid, as they often do.
I graduated from nursing school. Such an accomplishment. Those of you who have been around over the years understand the weight of this completion. What it means to me. I know it belongs to each of you just as much as it belongs to me. I would not have done it without you. Elation does not cover it. Over the last few months, as I raced towards the finish line, everything else in my life kind of fell apart. I do not wish to go into all the details. The silence from my blog and in my journals over the last few months is one of exhaustion and overwhelmed.
And I'm left with this very special piece of paper (my diploma) and I look around at the wreckage and try to put it all together. It was the last rattle of society and the devil saying "A girl like you shouldn't reach so high" That might all sound dramatic. I am alive. I am loved. Probably, in a few months from now, all of it will be past me. But at this moment I feel everything so acutely
This despair has raised the age old question, the only one that matters, whispered quietly in my ear, "Who do you belong to?" I heard that this morning as I awoke. I "hear" it a lot lately. When things get difficult we crave someone to rest our head against. I have been alone (in a sense) here in the desert for some time. No shoulder to come home to. For the first time in my walk with Jesus Christ I am attempting to rest in Him. The way I would rest against a husband if I had one. I cry as I type that, it is still so difficult for me trust Him...with everything. To really lean, and admit that my hands are empty, and my heart has become hard, and that I need help finding the road again. Because if I don't have Him, I don't have me. My heart frets over every little thing, things I have no say in, no control over. He says, "My peace I give unto you" I am trying to claim that in my life.
Thank you for all the well wishes and love and prayers. Thank you to those that trekked through the desert to see me and share this with me, your presence was needed and wonderful. Derek, thank you for introducing me to A.A. Bondy: the perfect background for this transition.
Friends, pray that I will learn to trust. Not that the storm will calm, but that I will learn to lean.
7 comments:
i love you rosie.
you are loved trememdously.
that was beautiful. thank you for such honesty friend. it seems so rare among people our age these days and it is like treasure to read.
... :)
Rosie,
Congrats on the accomplishment and on your willingness to struggle to trust the Lord.
Also, congrats on reading Flannery, if I wasnt already married I would marry her, just for the stories. If you ever make it out to So. Cal and are near us, please call write or whatever.
I wish I lived closer to you so we could hang out
as always rose, your honesty and articulation encourage me to no end.
I love you to bits. Congrats on graduating, but more importantly I am happy that you are resting in Christ. I am learning how to do that, too. And it is hard, but it is beautiful.
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