My moments with Eleanor, Nico, and Thomas Merton.

I need to write a little.

I got my haircut today, well my bangs cut actually. I got thick Joan Jett/ Nico bangs. I like them.

This morning I awoke to Eleanor Rigby smashing her little fish face up against the glass of her tank nearest to my bed, looking straight at me. She has, as of late, become aware/semi-interested in my existence. I think up until this point I have only been a large god-like hand that drops food from the sky twice a day. My grandma tells me I need to put her on a diet because she is fat. This only makes me feed her more, and on occasion I will whisper into her bowl, "be as fat as you want Miss Rigby." So this morning we starred at each other for a good 5 minutes before I got out of bed. I do love her.

Petty is putting out a new album. I'm guessing I am the last to get this news....

I did not come to write about all of these trifles...but I have to ease into this, like a conversation with an old friend you have not seen in awhile. You start with small talk, and then you plunge into the whole I am a lost soul on a wondering planet thing. And even now I can't write it all down. Ok, here it goes. I am becoming painfully aware of a few facts as of recent.
1. This is it. This is my life. I feel I have been waiting for it to start or something...but really, this is it. And I see the beauty and desperation in that fact all at once.
2. This is me. Again, I've been waiting for a cosmic voice or for a light bulb to switch on over my head and change and fix all the things I hate about myself. But no...this is me, full of contradictions. I naively have been expecting to one day awake "fixed", but alas that is the point: WE ARE BROKEN. We need His redemption.

And yet, I am a Hopeless, Depressed Optimist (you all know I am exactly that), because this morning our dear Thomas Merton said this to me, "God makes us ask ourselves questions most often when He intends to resolve them. He gives us needs that he alone can satisfy and awakens capacities that He means to fulfill. Any perplexity is liable to be a spiritual gestation, leading to a new birth and a mystical regeneration."....and a hopeful little twinkle shot back into my eye.

Maybe there is hope for me yet Mr. Merton.