Wednesday, March 15, 2006
"Look at Miss Ohio.."
I'm looking at my blog....the entire first page has become funny quips, pictures and lists....hardly a personal account of life or myself for that matter. The truth is I have found it harder and harder to be open these days...I think we call that becoming an adult. I find myself lately, trying to say the rights things...not the honest things. I find myself only able to be real when I'm sobbing into the phone to my best friend. I find I have been shirking away from who I am really am. How sad...All the while searching desperately for...for what? For a way to change, the way to become the woman I see myself being in my head. How is it we get so far away from that person? This is such a funny age...Life happens at this ridiculous speed and often times I feel like a vortex of incomplete. My journal is filled with life affirming quotes. I spend a good part of my free time reading things that I think will bring clarity to who I am. I try to dig deep. But in the end, that is not what changes us. I can read and think and hear all the right things, but I'm still chasing my tail. I still go to bed feeling I have not done well with the day He has given me. It has to be simpler than this, the whole process of becoming the person we were born to be. If I could just quiet my head....If I could just quiet my heart. Here is one of those life affirming quotes (I've become a mantra junky) "Don't try to force anything. Let life be a deep let go. See God opening millions of flowers without forcing the buds." Just Wait.
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4 comments:
I say this through the eyes of someone who has known you long and well: with all your complexity and struggling and wanting to be better, you already are beautiful and simple. you are honest and trustworthy. you are a good friend. you are enough. i love you. i am more than grateful that you are my best friend. and you are right-you shouldn't force anything. be who you are, trust God because He is the one shaping you.-a
My wife says good words, as do you friend.
Now, I can say the right thing, which should sound poetic and brainy, or I can say the honest thing, which is this: Every time I see the word vortex, I can not help but think of Falcore from The Neverending Story, after which I begin yelling, "FAALLLCORE!" in my head.
That's all i got.
good song. did i tell you i saw her!!!!
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