Retiring the chaos.

Tonight, I am sad I erased all my post from when I was in Vegas. You see though, that fits my pattern so well. Tear down. Rebuild. Tear down. I told a friend the other day that I've become predictable in my unpredictability. The moment you realize there is nothing but chaos you have created. Well, This last week I've had another voice speaking to me. Maybe it just me growing up, maybe it's the Lord...But I've been so compelled to stop this pattern. And being so wrapped up in this habit of change, the first response in my head was, "Well, Fullerton will be a new beginning, you can begin changing there." But you see, that is really not the answer, I have to stop looking for the "new beginnings" to change me. I have to CHOOSE the change. Right now, in this moment, just as everything is laid on the table at this very moment. To learn how to "stay" rather than "go". I believe these are the kind of decisions that solidify our character and create our life habits, so to speak. I have not stayed anywhere longer than 8 months in the last 5 years. I believe there is so much to learn in beginnings, so many lessons in that struggle and in that newness. But as I look at the people who have taught me the most about an enriched and vibrant existence the one thing that runs through each of their lives' is a sense of commitment and longsuffering. People that have roots. They live simply and have committed to their lives and have committed to whatever and whoever God brings their way. I am ready, for the first time to commit to my life. I am not moving to Fullerton. I am returning to Vegas with a sense of faith that God will create a purpose for me there. I will not lie and say I am thrilled at the idea of going back, but I have that assurance you feel when you are making the RIGHT decision. It has been a good long while since I've felt that way. I'm not having to talk myself into this at all. And yesterday this verse was in front of me, "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."Exodus 33:14. And then I found this this from Merton scattered among old papers, "We have found Him, He has found us. We are in Him, He in us. There is nothing further to look for, except the deepening of this life we already possess. Be content." I am sorry if you are reading this for the first time without me having already told you, I also apologize for the millionth time for my insanity. I know one thing, I've said a hundred times: You have all been the most consistent aspect of my entire life. Really you are the constant blessing He has given me.